Old age homes - necessary evil?
I’ve been thinking a lot on this issue. And honestly i don’t have a clear answer.
Time and again, i’ve been asked this question,”Eppo long term onsite porey?” by a lot of folks. The truth has always been that i am not too keen because i had absolutely no clear answer as where would my mother live if and when i travel abroad.
Here i am living in this Singara Chennai for the past 5+ years with my mother. She is about 54 and hardly what one would call educated. The chances of my mom managing all alone in this monstrous city is as high as an innings victory over Australia in Australia.
There is a school of thought which vehemently opposes old age homes. How dare a child banish his or her parents in old age homes? How selfish can somebody get? Is it not the responsibility of the child to take care of her parents at the time when they absolutely need him/her? All valid points without doubt.
On the other hand, there is a growing breed of nuclear families and single child families. And in cases like mine, with no father around, it gets all the more sensitive and challenging.
Does this mean i should say NO to all travel requirements just because i cannot leave my mother alone in this city? If NO, for how long can i stall travel? Travel is a necessary part of any IT professional. Having a B1 alone makes one more employable.
One can request relatives and thankfully my uncle has been of great help in this regard so far. But honestly, that is more like english medicine, it works only for a shorter time frame. In general, and there are always exceptions, the longer one stays in a relative’s house, the messier it gets.
Three years back, i would’ve blindly opposed the concept of old age homes. Nowadays i am much more circumspect. I guess this is were the communication between the children and parents becomes critical. I would tend to think just the very act of sending a parent to old age home per se is neither good nor bad, but the intentions might as well be the deciding factor.
I can as well make my mother stay in my own place. But how secure is our city for old people staying all alone?
Which is worse - leaving someone all alone or putting in an old age home where at least there are people around?
Or switch professions completely and start some business?
Again no clear answers but very important questions, atleast to me.
December 29th, 2007 at 11:42 pm
Interesting post indeed.
Here in the Western society - It’s the children who are going to find a home for you, so be good to them…goes the saying.
People want privacy - want to lead their lives - They don’t have the time /money to take care of the elders. But even here some do..! Even the elders want privacy, they want their lives, they don’t want to live dependent.
HOMES are a taboo in Desiland. Leaving your parents in HOMES is the biggest sin one can commit. I don’t think so. ( I used to think that way once ).
People don’t understand that living alone is dangerous vs. living in a home.
But those things will change slowly. I know a lot of parents here and in India who live in OLD AGE HOMES who are very happy.
December 30th, 2007 at 7:32 am
Poignant thoughts, candidly expressed. Do visit an old age home and spend quality time with some expressive residents there - to be able to get the inside story….
I spent three years and all my life’s savings on a very idealistic aashraya project for the rural disadvantaged aged - and finally decided I would be creating more problems than providing solutions for the proposed members!
Your thought provoking blog also reminds me of my visits to old age homes outside of India - where I found the mental condition of residents even more pathetic than in old age homes in India.
December 30th, 2007 at 9:03 pm
nice question… very well said… its very obvious of how difficult to leave mom in a monstrous city… i accept ur thoughts… better marry soon & make ur mom comfortable…
take care prabu…
Happy New Year friend… convey my regards 2 amma…
December 31st, 2007 at 12:02 am
well….get married PK. Thats one solution, but then when you are going on long term, your wife may travle with you..how about taking your mom abroad too? she gets to see a little of the world and who doesnt want to?
i know it is tough…friends can check in on your mom if she is alone but it is not the same as having company..i would still be scared if my mom were to stay all alone…
it is tough…home is fine if youare able to find the right home…but then in my psyche, it has been drilled for so long that it is sad to have old people at homes
i beleive that old age is the time for people to enjoy.i tell my parents that they can enjoy life before 25 and after 50….
so take her along if that suits you…she will have some fun too the next time you travel..
now that me ans sis are married off, my parents are never home and keep travelling in these tours where there are other people for company…
so she can have some fun too
December 31st, 2007 at 12:20 am
I completely agree with Monu.. Its a great idea to take mom along.. Dont know how far it is feasible in terms of financials but definitely it would be a great change for your mom and you..
The Sheer thought of sending parents to an old age home gives me a sense of pain.. No offence meant, but was just thinking how it would’ve been if ur mom or dad had got a foriegn assignment and wanted to leave you as a kid in an orphanage because there would be no one to take care of you.. Would that be Justified??
December 31st, 2007 at 7:17 am
I second Monu’s thoughts on enjoying life after 50
When people mention about old age homes, what is primarily considered is the comfort, the way the inmates are taken care, food, facilities and so on. But at that age, what they really miss is “home” and especially the post 50 aged people of today cannot relate to a concept of old age home. There is a deep constrast in the mind-set of us and the 50+ people (Probably we would feel the same at their age too - who knows?).
Old age homes are like hostels. Its fun being in a hostel (am sure anyone who has spent some time in a hostel would vouch for that) but again what if the hostel were to become your home all your life? Doesn’t sound that exiciting huh? I think that is what it feels for them as well.
December 31st, 2007 at 8:59 am
NV Sir,
I dont have a clear answer now. i know at least a half a dozen of my close friends who are away from their parents and they all face the same questions - they call once/twice/thrice everyday from US, have even subscribed vonage phones just for this purpose, some spend 300 USD every month just because their moms do not keep the vonage phones on always. A couple of my friends visit ndia as often as once in three months simply because their parents are alone. They are as much worried about their parents as their parents are about them. In a way they all face the same dilemma.
ravissant,
thanks for the comment. will sure try to do something if and wen time permits
kalai,
thanks:)
December 31st, 2007 at 9:08 am
Monu,
As much as i like to, its not feasible most of the times. one of those things which is better said than done. Some of my friends parents go to US for 6 months in a year, but still that leaves them 6 months away from their kids.
Let me ask you this question - ever since you got married, how many days have you gone with your parents for trips,tours within India? Ofcourse everyone loves to see places but that’s beside the point. This is not to suggest i am picking you, i am just trying to point out its not feasible - even within India.
I dont mind getting married, but at this point in my life, i am not as keen as i was sometime back. Also, a lot of people assume that me getting married will make things comfortable for my mom. I dont want to jump to that conclusion blindly. There are lots of Ifs and buts.
December 31st, 2007 at 9:19 am
Sango,
I agree, but what i dont agree is the notion that the very act of putting an old age person in a home is always construed as a cruel act. I know a lot of people who use their parents as baby sitters. That is as much driven by selfishness as those tho put the elders in old age home bcos they see them as nuisance.
I too prefer to have my mom wherever i go, the point is, what should one do if that’s not feasible on some situations.
December 31st, 2007 at 10:06 pm
@monu
Monu I think your comment reflects your naivity. first of all the parents should be willing to travel to the USA. i know numerous old people who consider living in the US similar to being jailed. Secondly, if girl whom PK gets married to also might have old parents to look after. From your comment i get the impression that you somehow believe girl children are absolved of the responsibility of looking after their parents. Monu its alright to be idealistic that one wont leave parents at old age homes etc, but ultimately pragmatism rules.
Sango,
its a question of choice. what if parents prefer old age homes to living in the US? Old age homes which treat them with comfort, which cost a bomb/month, say 30-40grand/month, aircon,tv, cook, dietitian, etc. parents can still retain their freedom, but will be taken care of. the idea is that in the case of a medical emergency there is someone who will administer the primary medical care. I know old people who live in alone here, and how worried their children are largely because they refuse to live outside india. if they were in an old age home, they would be better taken care of. Sango, I think you should get down from your idealistic high-horse and view the issue with a more pragmatic view. Please dont let visu movies affect your vision of old age homes.
January 1st, 2008 at 12:25 am
vatsan,
I agree.
Taking mom everywhere i go does not sound feasible nor sensible.
My father never took me to his office just because i cried and wanted to go with him in his scooter.
That does not mean my father hated me.
If mom is willing, and if its feasible, i don’t have any issues in taking mom to a foreign country.
What if that’s not the case?
January 1st, 2008 at 1:10 am
Pk,
i clearly mentioned in my comment that my parents take trips where there are other people, sort of like arranged tourrs with family memebers…they have gone for two tours so for….and for both they travleled with minimum 80 people with good arrangement…and either family/family firends with them..people in their own age group…. i made sure my mom carries her mobile and kept in touch…there was no need for me to accompany them…and if there was, i would
the only thing stopping the feaasibility of taking your prents abroad, according to me is money….most parents woudl like to travel once and may be once they have lived abroad, they may tire of it…but the first trip will be exciting…
right??
the trips i mentioned where in the light of teh fact that once children are old enough, parents no longer need to be with then always to care for them…like for instance before my sis got married my parents would leave the two of us and go for short tours….remember these are tours , not travel to stay for some time in some place..
once my sis got married, my parents didnt want to leave me alone at home…so after my marriage, they were free to travel…simply because there was no more jewellery to guard or a girl all alone to be worried about….
@vatsan
where exactly did i say that girls do not have responsibility of their parents once they are married? i only said that once the girls are married off , the parents dont have to worry about leaving the girl alone and are free to travel….please refer my reply to PK…
it has long been dead, the thougtht that girls will not/can not take care of their paretns..
just an example..my dad recently had an operation, at 5 months pregnancy, i stayed in my mom’s place, my sis came over and we both managed the home while my mom made trips to the hospital… their(my parents) medical insurance is covered in my salary and i live pretty nearby to them to rush when need be…
and when my mom travels, my dad stays over at my place and i take good care of him…
i dont know where you got the idea from….lets apply the travel thought to PK(PK chosen as he happnes to be a guy). Lets say that PK’s mom wants to go on a 15 day pilgrimage on a planned tour and is travelling with friends/relatives, so theres no need for PK to accompany her..and lets assume that PK doesnt know to cook…then the fact that PK will not be getting good food will hinder PK’s mom from travelling…
but if he were married and his wife knows cooking , she woudlnt worry and carry on , right?
same scenario for a girl post marriage..parents dont have to worry about leaving her alone or some such….
hope i made myself clear..makes me real irritated to see my thoughts mis-understood….honestly..i dont think just because i am a girl, i dont have to take care of my parents…where did i say that????
boy/girl has that responsibility…..
January 1st, 2008 at 5:15 am
PK - Just one thing which came to mind whilst I was reading your post, 50+ not old. Sounds like she is in a new city, maybe if she made friends locally, found herself part of the community, your mum might be comfortable staying on her own when you are away travelling. Maybe a reliable stay at home maid might be an idea too, not that any of these are gonna solve the issue totally, but strongly feel that 50 something is not old. My mum who is couple of years older than your mum, would probably be offended if I told her she was old
January 1st, 2008 at 5:19 am
Also if she is new to Chennai, I guess her support network must be wherever she lived before moving to the big bad city. Maybe she would be happier living there when you are away, being in familiar surroundings might make her feel secure when you are away.
January 1st, 2008 at 5:22 am
monu
Guess i spoke to you over phone and there ends the issue
WA
ahaa.. welcome welcome!
ennoda observation+experience.. it depends on the person.. i know one friend’s mom in CBE. Both her sons are in the US, her daughter is in UK but she is able to handle things by herself in cbe. I have to admire her strength.. ut ellarukkum adha confidence irukaadhu.. Same goes for security issues too. You can barely manage if you live in a flat. But individual houses are definitely watched upon and attacked when its known that the 50+(seri old people illai) are living all alone.
February 5th, 2008 at 3:34 am
Hey how one can think sending the parents to the old age home . they have taken care of u fropm ur birth till they are. They provided u all the facilities. Now we may be any one may be any position because of them only we have achieved thios position . They have spent most of their life in our happiness only. If we leave them in the old age home then what we have done to them .See, what we r doing today to our parents will be done by our childrens also to us.If u want to live alone just purchase one house and give to them. Don,t send them to old age homes. Because it is not the way we are repaying them .
July 22nd, 2010 at 2:25 am
Hey how one can think sending the parents to the old age home . they have taken care of u fropm ur birth till they are. They provided u all the facilities. Now we may be any one may be any position because of them only we have achieved thios position .