My buddy started like this over phone.
“You know what!, It took me 7 hours to reach Coimbatore from Bangalore, Idiots!!

Me, innocently “Cool dude, 7 hours for 300 odd kms is ok da. You have made it in decent time.”

“Quick time? My foot! I took the flight man! Can you believe it?? My entire Saturday is gone. This damn thing was scheduled at 9:05 in the morning. Cheats!
It’s time these people wound up their business and started running buses from Virudhunagar to Madurai and learn punctuality from bus operators.”

Ouch! Apparently he had taken Air Deccan.

With AD, one would imagine the dialogue going on along these lines.

Passenger: “Excuse me, boarding pass for Flight number AD- 420”

AD staff: “Sorry sir, the flight has been delayed by 3 hours”

Passenger: “What? 3 hours ? Why?”

AD staff: “Some turbulence, Sir”

Passenger: “Turbulence? Where?

AD staff: “In the pilot’s tummy, Sir. He’s been having diarrhea”

Passenger: “Diarrhea? WTF? Why didn’t you inform me earlier?

AD Staff: “Oh! you are a doctor, Sir? Sorry we did not know that. We will tell him to meet you. In that case, Sir me too have some skin problems. It would not go with Itch Guard, Can you help?”

Passenger:“Doctor? Who? WTF, why did you not inform about the delay?

AD Staff: “As a policy, we wait till the turbulence gets over, Sir, be it in stomach or mid air. Actually, it’s a funny world sir. You can get turbulence in your tummy and you can also get diarrhea in mid-air. HaHaHa”

By which time, the passenger thinks about his messed up appointments and he would get his share of diarrhea.

Frankly, to hell with passengers of the kind mentioned above. These are the typical snobbish lot. “Born in London brought up in New York” types. Let them take Jet and languish in hell by being punctual. AD is India’s low cost airline and we only need to encourage such tribe.

I think it’s only that AD should position itself well and cater to a different set of customers. The following are some of the points that I sincerely think will lead AD to greater prosperity, on-time most of the time, more customer satisfaction and such other four-letter words.

1. The fundamental thing about AD is that they tell upfront that they are delayed before the passenger boards the flight, which annoys the passenger no end. Rather they can take cue from the vans which ply between Saidapet and Madipakkam. The van wallah, if you have ever noticed, will always keep the van on the move, but the van would hardly move! That is their trade secret. One small kid will keep the door half-open and would keep on shouting, “Vijayanagar 5 Rs Vijayanagar 5 Rs“. Likewise, Air Deccan can have the door half open and the aircraft can go round and round in the run way while some cute thing stands near the door and shouts “Bangalore 420 Rs, “Bangalore 420 Rs”. And I can close my eyes and imagine passengers running towards a moving flight in the runway!.

2. Fire all existing in-flight crew. Instead they can hire group dancers from Kollywood. For without doubt, these babes will be look much better. And they can also add value. Like how? They can provide in-flight entertainment. Imagine a group of girls dancing for “Rakkama Kayya thattu” and ‘Choli ke peeche kyaa he?” in mid-air. Who would resist such a spectacle?. To hell with punctuality. I can visualize executives saying,” Once more, please. Please don’t land.”

3. Replace the captains with Auto-drivers from Chennai. This would reduce cost. We can fix a ‘soodu vecha’ auto-meter in the cockpit and the drivers would be happy if they are paid accordingly. The auto-drivers have the knack to make up for shortage of time too. They drive their autos like jets in Mount Road. Such creativity should be encouraged by all means. So they should be given real jets for once. Anyway the ATRs that Air Deccan flies are nothing but glorified autos.

4. There should be standing tickets. Yep, just like standing in buses and trains. For one, this would help in increase revenue and another value add being, if at all the flight stops mid-air for problems in carburetors, we can anyway make a rough landing in some paddy fields and then ask the passengers to help tilt the plane in one direction, revert, restart the plane and go on till the next petrol bunk, just like we do for scooters and bikes. That’s another advantage of having ATRs.

5. They can enter into some contract with some Kai yendhi Bhavans and let them do the catering. People would be standing in Queue inside the aircraft for menus like ‘2 Idlies with ketti chutney, undiluted Sambhar and Chilli Podi for 5Rs, Kothu Barotta for 10Rs. and Kaakha Briyani for Rs.5 etc.

6. They can hire Abdul Hameed for their Ad campaigns and launch innovative schemes like 50% discount of their already 50% fares during the tamil month of Aadi. Abdul Hameed will proudly come on television and smile, ‘Aadi ku AD vera enna solla?” in his impeccable tamil.

All in all, what matters is some good flight experience for the traveling lot and some effective branding. Readers you are more than welcome to add your points. C’mon
let’s make AD a grand success.

Here’s another [1] Air Deccan Horror Story

I think its only a matter of time before Air Deccan’s punctuality will be the butt of all jokes just like the Sardarji’s intelligence.